BE MY WIFE

I woke up with a wild start, so it was just a dream…. It’s been a while since I got married but the thought of the first fourteen hours of that day, even in a dream still brings back the frustration felt I know you want to know and a few brilliant ones will be guessing. Alrighty, I’ll squeal it, just this once and never again.

Desmond and I or me (choose your choice, English can be quite complicated) have been friends for close to two years. We met somewhere ( I told you I wont squeal again) and we became friends and we were so close. I was still struggling to be a graduate then and Des (as I fondly call him) was struggling to be a Maryland big boy (you should know what that means)

So it was that I was shuttling between Lagos and Benin. Des and I were practically dating, we were in love but we were acting all matured about it. We talked about lots of thing ranging from sex (when we are not having it) to girlfriends (for him) and boyfriends (for yours truly), parties, routines…………….everything.

After two years of what you can call a hot romance, though not totally so Romeo and Juliety, Des called me one weekend and asked me to come over. Now I must sing a little praise of myself, though I may not be another Jennifer Lopez, so unlikely, I am still beautiful. If u like queen Latifah in set – it – off, I’m your girl. Asides that, I can be useful around the house, it comes with a long time of doing it yourself.

So I was in Lagos with the first bus and I went straight to Des’s  house (I had a spare key), let myself in and made myself very comfortable, to me that means, a cold bath, chocolate brownies and a bottle of something sweet

Des came home around 8:00pm (considering Lagos traffic, that’s good time).

‘how’s it going?’

Okay, so he didn’t really say that, what he said was:

‘Hey you, watz up, how’s your trip?’ but coming from him, that was a very cold welcome. It was either a hug, a kiss, or both but this day, guess what he gave me………………….. Your guess is as good as mine.

So I asked him why he called me and I was thinking: a booty call, laundry call or just sight seeing, well, you can guess again……………..

“We’ve been friends for sometime now and I feel you should be the first person I will tell” I was really all ears, this might be interesting. ‘ I met a girl and we are good together, we have chemistry’ (I made a mental note to check the dictionary meaning of chemistry) ‘and my mother loves and adore her’ I know I didn’t tell you I met Des’s mother but I did, it was during one of those crazy vacations when you look for anywhere to go and Des’s mother was throwing a party so I went and she appeared to like me a lot but maybe I was just reading her smiles…….

At this juncture, I was painting a picture of the said girl in my mind, if you’ve seen Lord of the Rings you may guess again. Its not as if I was jealous or something. Ok, maybe I was a little bit jealous. I loved him, I thought we had a future together but the only future I see now is him in a black suit and a miss thing in a wedding gown, now she’s throwing the bouquet, and I’m catching it. Very funny I almost laughed out loud.

All these while Des has been blabbing about his wife and all that, I only noticed him when he brought out an engagement ring and was saying something like ‘Linda, I know you have a good taste, if you like this, I know 75% of ladies will do too so what do you think, is it ok?’ IMAGINE THE GUTS

“I will strangle you and then there will be no proposals, no engagements and no wedding” okay, I didn’t really say that, what I said was: “it’s perfect, she will love it” What can I say, I’m just a good hearted gal.

After the meeting, I was too shocked to talk; I just gave an excuse and went to bed. Big girls do cry, I cried so bad I was seeing butterflies on the ceiling or maybe they were there. I woke up the next morning, packed my bag and decided to be decent and bold enough to say goodbye. I knocked on his door the first time, second time, no response and I concluded his fiancé came in and they were having early morning sex……..**disgusting** I turned to leave and saw him behind me.

“if you are getting married, stop sneaking up on your ex” didn’t really say that, what I said was

“good morning, im just about leaving”

‘Linda, you didn’t even ask me who the girl is.”

Okay, I know its not my best friend but why go through the stress. I told you I am a good girl so I asked “sorry, it escaped my mind, who’s this wonderful girl?” a dead man would know there’s sarcasm in those words but maybe he is deaf cos he kept smiling

‘Linda, all I told you last night were true except for one’ where are the guessers? Did you guess the part about chemistry? My guess exactly…………… ‘I ve found a girl and she’s all I need…………………………’ this is so not the Lord’s Prayer, you don’t have to say it everyday. WAIT!!!!!!

‘Linda, you are that girl, please marry me’ and he was on his knees with the ring, that ring I would have bewitched if I had Merlin powers.

Those of you who guess I fainted passed this course, I woke up with his lips on mine and I didn’t mind the early morning sex after all………………………………

So much for a proposal. Don’t ask me what happened next cos I ain’t telling